


A Struggle Sometimes to Pretend

by mammothluv



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: F/F, Female Characters, Femslash, Half-Sibling Incest, Incest, POV Female Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-01-13
Updated: 2010-01-13
Packaged: 2017-10-06 06:00:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/50444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mammothluv/pseuds/mammothluv
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It isn’t the sex that makes things complicated.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Struggle Sometimes to Pretend

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for my awesome co-mod [](http://beerbad.livejournal.com/profile)[**beerbad**](http://beerbad.livejournal.com/) who won me in the Support Stacie Author Auction. Many thanks to her for bidding on me and many thanks to [](http://foibles-fables.livejournal.com/profile)[**foibles_fables**](http://foibles-fables.livejournal.com/) for the beta! Grey's Anatomy belongs to Shonda Rimes and ABC. I'm not making any profit and no copyright infringement is intended.

I.

Meredith doesn't mean to kiss Lexie the first time she does it. She definitely doesn't mean to do everything that happens after. It's just that Derek brought Lexie home and now this half-sister that she doesn't really like but doesn't exactly hate anymore either is staying in her attic and she figures she's supposed to do something. She walks up the attic stairs rehearsing a speech in her head. It's welcoming but not too welcoming. Stay in my attic, it says, but don't stay that long.

When she gets to the attic Lexie is already decorating. She's hanging up a kitten poster. Seriously. And Meredith's irritated that her sister owns a kitten poster and, even worse, that she's hanging it in Meredith's attic but Lexie looks so damn hopeful that Meredith's speech suddenly leaves her head. She's standing there like an idiot staring at Lexie who is staring back at her expectantly kind of like a puppy. So, Meredith asks if she needs help unpacking. Lexie looks at her, eyes wide, and stammers a quick "No, thank you."

"Okay. Well, whatever. If you need anything..." She leans in to place a quick kiss on Lexie's cheek. It's not something she'd normally do but she's completely thrown by this half-sister in her attic thing and it's making her do awkward things. It becomes exponentially more awkward when Lexie turns and Meredith accidentally ends up kissing Lexie on the corner of her mouth.

It's quick. It could have been nothing. But, Lexie turns her head and bites her bottom lip and suddenly Meredith wants to kiss her again, really kiss her. She grabs Lexie by the shoulders and pushes her until her back is against the attic wall and then she kisses her hard. Lexie gasps against Meredith's mouth but doesn't move to stop her. Meredith takes advantage of that fact to push her tongue into Lexie's mouth and run it along the inside of her lower lip.

When she thinks about it the next day, she'll come up with all kinds of excuses. Maybe she's still unsure of Derek. Maybe she's trying to screw things up before he screws her over again. Maybe she just does fucked up things because that's who she is. Maybe the kitten poster was seriously freaking her out.

But, in the moment she gets dizzy from the feel of Lexie's body underneath hers. When, after a few moments, she feels Lexie start to kiss back, she stops thinking altogether and relies on instinct. She slips her knee between Lexie's thighs and Lexie moans into her mouth.

Lexie's hands are tugging at the bottom of her shirt and Meredith lifts her arms so Lexie can pull the shirt off. Lexie's more aggressive than she expected; she wonders what else she's gotten wrong about her.

By the time she brings her attention back to the moment, Lexie's taken off her own shirt and pants. Meredith's first thought is that she's beautiful but the second.... She can't stifle her laughter. "Are those cartoon frogs on your underwear?" She thought Izzie's Hello Kitty underwear were bad. She notices the blush on Lexie's face. Suddenly she's looking unsure and a little lost. Grabbing Lexie by the waistband of the ridiculous cartoon underwear and pulling her body against her own, she says, “No, don't be embarrassed. Seriously. I love them." Lexie laughs too then and Meredith kisses her again then reaches around to unhook Lexie's bra, pulling it off slowly.

Meredith quickly strips off her own clothes and, getting down on her knees, grabs hold of Lexie's underwear and slowly pulls them down her legs until Lexie is able to step out of them.

Standing up, Meredith backs up to the bed and lets herself fall back, pulling Lexie along with her and then flipping them so Meredith is on top. She kisses Lexie again; this time she takes her time, running her tongue along the Lexie's teeth. Lexie moans when Meredith gently bites her bottom lip. The moan gets louder as Meredith positions one hand between them and strokes Lexie. Lexie thrusts against Meredith’s hand and reaches out to grab Meredith's hips and pull her closer. Lexie's cheeked are flushed and her skin is soft and warm. Meredith's always known Lexie was cute but right now she's gorgeous.

There's a thought at the back of her mind. Mark could walk in. Derek could walk in. She's not sure if it scares her or excites her but she can feel her heartbeat quicken. She figures it's already gone too far. She might as well enjoy it.

Later when she finally feels Lexie's muscles contracting around her fingers, when Lexie says her name softly and then lets out a low moan, Meredith thinks maybe she understands her sister better than she thought.

II.

That's not the only time it happens. It should have been but Meredith's starting to think her attraction to things that seem bad for her must be a familial trait because neither she nor Lexie lets it go. Their time together becomes a mix of awkward distance in public and rushed secret meetings in private.

It’s not that Meredith grows to like Lexie; it's really not that, she tells herself. She gets used to her. And somewhere along the line, she realizes she can't look at Lexie without thinking about the way she whispers "Meredith." when she comes.

If she were anyone else, the fact that she was having sex with her half-sister might faze her more but Meredith is used to sleeping with inappropriate people. It's the other aspects of her relationship with Lexie that make things complicated, things like the day she learns Izzie's diagnosis. She comes home from Derek's trailer and doing her best adult in a serious, supportive relationship impersonation. She's tired and she's off-center. She doesn't know if Izzie's going to be okay or if Derek is going to be okay, if any of them will be okay.

When she walks in the door, Lexie is sitting on her couch waiting for her. Lexie doesn't ask about Izzie or Derek or ask how she's doing or any of those other things she probably wants to do. Instead, she walks to the kitchen and comes back with a mug of hot chocolate and says, "I want you to know I'm here."

Meredith doesn't want hot chocolate. She's not sure she wants Lexie there either but she also doesn't want to go upstairs alone so she stays on the couch and sips the hot chocolate, which she eventually realizes Lexie has topped with multicolor marshmallows.

"These marshmallows are pastel," she says. She's sure the disbelief is evident in her voice; she didn't even know they made marshmallows in different colors.

"Yeah," Lexie says. "You didn't have any so I went to the store and these were so happy. I thought they were nice."

Meredith can't help but laugh and she tries to stifle the sound by burying her face in Lexie's shoulder.

"What?" Lexie asks.

"Did you just say the marshmallows are happy? Seriously," Meredith says. She’s lost in another fit of giggles. And then she remembers everything. She remembers Izzie and she's gasping for breath. Lexie just pulls her closer and kisses the top of her head. "I'm here," she says again.

That's what makes her relationship with Lexie difficult. She doesn't want to like Lexie and she certainly doesn't want to love her but she waits up with hot chocolate and stupid rainbow marshmallows. Lexie's here and Meredith's just a little scared that she's starting to rely on that.

III.

She promises herself it's over when she and Derek get engaged. She thinks Lexie senses it's time too. They don't talk about it, like they don't talk about a lot of things, but they're okay.

She asks Lexie to be in her wedding. They sit at Meredith's kitchen table drinking wine. Lexie giggles and looks grateful and Meredith thinks, okay, they can do this. They can be sisters. She can marry Derek and Lexie can play house with Mark and maybe the rest of it was just something they had to get out of their systems.

She asks Lexie about her day and Lexie smiles shyly before launching into some story about intern drama and scrubbing in on an appendix removal. Her smile widens as she describes the surgery. Meredith knows every detail of the surgery, she's seen so many, but she doesn't interrupt because she loves the way Lexie's hands move, mimicking the path of the instruments, as she describes each step.

Meredith tries to convince herself not to think about the way Lexie's lips redden as she sips her wine. She resists the urge to reach out and brush a stray hair from Lexie's eyes. Maybe if they were just sisters, it would be okay. But, if they're going to ever be just sisters, she has to draw lines. It would be too easy for her hand to slide down Lexie's face, for her fingers to brush her lips gently, for her to replace those fingers with her mouth, her tongue.

She's actually relieved when Derek and Mark show up. It's easier to be good with an audience.

IV.

Then, they lose George. They're both lost but it's Lexie who comes into the bathroom while Meredith is showering and locks the door behind her.

Meredith isn't sure why she goes along with it. She was so sure before that this thing between them needed to end. But, the day George dies she feels like she's falling back into the river again. She's cold and numb and Derek tries but he's never been good at pulling her back to dry land.

When Lexie steps into the shower, eyes red from crying, Meredith realizes that she hasn't even cried. One of her best friends, one of her family, has been dead for over a week and she hasn't cried once.

Lexie reaches out to hold her hand over Meredith's heart silently asking and Meredith feels something for the first time in days. So, she holds on. She doesn't want to let go.

Lexie knows what it's like to be George's best friend and mess it all up. Never mind that Lexie loved him too much and Meredith never loved him the way he wanted her to, they both lost him before they got to be his best friend again. They both thought they'd have more time.

Lexie kisses Meredith, the water pounding down on both of them. Her kiss is full of questions and regrets.

"It'll be okay," Meredith says. She's not sure it's true but Lexie needs her to lie right now.

"Thank you," Lexie says. "Thank you." And then her lips are on Meredith's again. She pushes Meredith against the shower wall and lowers her head so that she can use her tongue to softly circle Meredith's nipple. Lexie slowly travels down her body, her tongue circling Meredith's navel and then running down the inside of one thigh and up the other. Once Lexie focuses her tongue on Meredith's clit and pushes three fingers inside her, it doesn't take Meredith long to come, shuddering under the now cold water.

An hour later, they're clothed and lying on Meredith's bed. Meredith has her arms around Lexie who is sleeping, her breath coming out in a slow steady rhythm against Meredith's neck.

Derek walks in and Meredith holds her own breath for a minute until he just smiles at them and walks to his dresser. She remembers this part is okay. This part sisters are supposed to do. Derek's probably impressed she's being so nice to Lexie. If it weren't for the circumstances, it would almost be funny.

V.

It's Saturday morning and they're both off at the same time. Everyone's been working extra hours since the news of the merger and it's been days since they've had a chance to even talk. Meredith came upstairs and crawled into bed with Lexie the minute Derek left for the hospital. They're drifting in and out of sleep and they're both too tired for anything more than lazy kisses.

"Do you ever think what it would be like if we could just run away? Get jobs at some hospital where nobody knows who we are and really be together?" Lexie asks.

"Lexie," Meredith says as she feels panic start to rise in her chest.

"No, no," Lexie interrupts hastily. "I know we can't." She rests her head on Meredith's stomach and looks up at her. "It's just nice to think about sometimes."

Meredith wants to rebuke Lexie for the suggestion, hypothetical or not, but Lexie looks so happy at the thought that she can't bring herself to do anything to erase the smile. Instead, she reaches down and runs her fingers through Lexie's hair. "Yeah, I guess it would be nice to think about."

She's rewarded by an even brighter smile and Lexie turning her head to place a soft kiss on her abdomen. "Let's play pretend," she says.

"Huh?" Meredith replies partly because she honestly doesn't know what Lexie's talking about and partly because she's distracted by the feel of Lexie's lips against her stomach.

"Play pretend. You know. Didn't you ever do that when you were a kid? Let's imagine what it would be like."

"Well, I don't know. Where would we go? Big city or small town?" Lexie practically beams when Meredith asks the question and that's enough to make her glad she decided to play along. She tries to remember when it was that seeing that smile and being the cause of it became so important to her.

"Small town," Lexie says decisively. "We'd have a little house with a big fenced in yard. Oh, and a breakfast nook in the kitchen."

Meredith giggles. Of course Lexie would want a breakfast nook. "Only if you make breakfast," she answers.

"Sounds perfect." Lexie mutters sleepily. And Meredith has to admit it kind of does.

VI.

It isn't very many days later when she wanders up to the attic to find Lexie packing a suitcase.

"Where are you going?" she asks.

"I'm taking some things to Mark's. I'm not moving in, moving in but I'm taking stuff. He wants me to have stuff there and Callie's right across the hall and she says he doesn't look at her boobs anymore but I'm not sure. She has really great boobs." Lexie trails off and looks at her nervously.

It stings more than it should. She's married. She really has no right to be jealous over a suitcase and a toothbrush but she is.

Lexie must sense it. She stands on her tiptoes and plants a quick kiss on Meredith's cheek. "It's not moving in, moving in," she repeats. "I'll still be here. We'll still be...." Lexie trails off. That's their problem. They'll still be what?

Meredith smiles. She hopes it's a reassuring smile but, by the look on Lexie's face, she doesn't quite manage. "It's okay. I want you to be happy, Lexie. Go. Move in with Mark. It's okay."

And she does, she wants both of them to be happy. Neither of them seems to be very good at it but they're getting better. Maybe if they keep pretending. Maybe.


End file.
